Overthinking Nights

Once upon a time, I had this dream--a dream that adulthood would bring boundless freedom into my life. I envisioned a world where I could earn my own keep, buy whatever I desired, and saunter home at any hour without a lecture. The autonomy to shape my life, well, that was the goal. Of course, there was the small detail of paying bills, but I figured that was a minor detail in the grand scheme of things.

As the years rolled by, reality struck me with a force I had not anticipated. The initial years of working felt like I was on cloud nine. I was the first among my peers to earn some cash, and with that came a sense of arrogance. I became closed-minded, thinking my current job was enough in terms of both financial gain and recognition. Little did I know, I was missing out on golden opportunities that were right in front of me, all because of my narrow perspective.

Then, life took an unexpected turn. The pandemic hit, altering everything I thought I knew. Those things I considered routine suddenly became distant, thanks to the constraints of physical distancing. These past four years, have been the most challenging of my professional life. I thought my savings would carry me through, and once the pandemic lifted, the world would return to normal. I could not have been more wrong. 

Now, here I am, feeling trapped in a world of my own making--a world where I did not seek advice from the experienced souls in my younger years. Do I regret it? Maybe. I'm not ready to admit it just yet. I'm in the process of breaking free from the small world I constructed.

Every night, my thoughts seem to grow larger, leading me into the realm of revenge bedtime procrastination. Don't lecture me on self-diagnosis--I'm not sure if that's what it is. I just know that despite being physically exhausted from a day's work, my brain insists on scrolling through social media late into the night, refusing to let me sleep.